Anyone who’s ever seen the first five minutes of any TV cop show knows you have the right to remain silent, right to an attorney, etc. But those aren’t your only rights. Here are the ones “the man” doesn’t want you to know about…
- You have the right to unfollow your arresting officer on Twitter.
- You have the right to talk like a pirate, even when it’s not talk like a pirate day.
- You have the right to repeatedly remind your publicly assigned defense attorney that you probably make more money than he does.
- If arrested for public intoxication, you have the right to use your one phone call to drunk dial an ex-girlfriend.
- You have the right to take your own life and save the public the expense of your trial. Especially if you’re innocent, because putting an innocent person in prison is much more expensive than a guilty one.
- You have the right to impress the judge with your dead-on impersonation of Sandra Day O’Connor.
- If arrested by your cop roommate, you have the right to invoke the third amendment and demand that he move out.
- Thanks to legal pioneers Adam Horovitz, Michael Diamond, and Adam Yauch, you have the constitutional right to party.
- You have the right to ask for a copy of your mug shot and use it on your JDate page.
And most your most important right of all…
- If there’s a COPS crew filming your arrest, you have the right to refuse to sign the release form allowing them to show your face on TV. (Seriously, why does anyone sign those things?)