A Conversation Between Anne Frank and St. Peter Thanks To A Couple Mitt Romney Supporters

A lot has been said about the controversial Mormon practice of baptizing holocaust victims after they’ve died, so I won’t say anything more on the matter. I’m just going to print this “conversation” that came to me in a dream; a conversation that I think sums up the feelings of those who support the practice (and allowed me to see this issue in a much better light):

OUTSIDE HEAVEN’S GATES – DAY

Little Anne Frank steps up to St. Peter.

ANNE FRANK: Hi, I’m Anne Frank. I represent the element of humanity that the Nazi’s could never defeat — the undying belief that humans, inherently, are good. My words will go on to inspire billions of people, as well as be required reading in the seventh grade.

ST. PETER: You’re not on the list.

ANNE FRANK: But… why?

ST. PETER: Looks like you picked the wrong team. Sorry.

ANNE FRANK: Blarg.

ST. PETER: Hey, you’re blocking the sidewalk. Please step over there.

He points to a roped off waiting area holding Thomas Jefferson, some Cavemen, several billion other people, and Ghandi.

CUT TO–

SALT LAKE CITY – HALF A CENTURY LATER

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #1: Poor Anne Frank, she’s been waiting to get into heaven for so long. Her feet must be tired.

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #2: If only there was a way for us to let her get into heaven.

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #1: Hey! We could baptize her!

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #2: But she’s dead, silly! How can we convert her without her consent?

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #1: We’re not converting her (wink, wink), we’re merely giving her a choice!

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #2: That’s right! We’re just giving her — and anyone we posthumously baptize — a choice (wink, wink). If anyone has a problem with this, we’ll just keep saying that over and over again: We’re only giving them a choice! (wink, wink)

MOMENTS LATER, BACK IN HEAVEN–

ST. PETER: Frank? Is there a Frank comma Anne here?

ANNE FRANK: That’s me! Can I come in now? It’s cold out here. And all the Catholics are depressing me.

ST. PETER: Yes, but only if you renounce your Judaism — the religion you died for — and accept all the practices and tenets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

ANNE FRANK: Wait– So I can either sit out here in the cold for eternity, or I can accept the one true religion I should’ve been all along and enter Heaven to party with all the awesome people from the funnest state of America? And all I have to do is violate the fifth commandment by dishonoring the teachings of my parents — not to mention all my ancestors — and accept a belief system that was completely foreign to me while I was alive? I’m in!

ST. PETER: Damn straight, you’re in!

And he opens the gates…

THE END.

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